I am thankful for time to rest.
Almost seems poetic to lose the two people you’ve fallen with in the first week of December your first and last semesters of college. The first, a dear friend that could never love a woman in return. The second, also a dear friend, deciding she never wants to marry.
Wonder what might happen December my first semester of graduate school…
Maybe I’ll fall in love with someone in a position of authority or someone already married or some other forbidden love…
I will cherish this moment…forever.
I love your head on my shoulder, your hand in my hand.
I want to hold you…forever.
Forever can be a scary word but it doesn’t scare me with you. I know forever may not play out the way I envision and that’s ok.
Whether for a season or forever, I want you to feel loved. I want to always be growing and learning to love you better.
If I love Him more than I love you, I know I will love you better. His love fills in all the gaps.
But oh how I would love…to hold you…forever.
I’v made a lot of mistakes.
She may be one of them..
I’v done a lot of stupid things.
She may be one of them..
I’v had a lot of regrets.
She ain’t one of them.
A year ago today I made a decision that flipped my life upside down..
A year ago today I decided to tell my best friend that I’m attracted to women.
I had no idea how she would react. I had no idea if it would make a difference a all. I hoped it wouldn’t.. but in todays culture there is such a huge pressure for those who live outside of the “norm” when it comes to sexual orientation.
Long story short, all did not end well.
Of all the ways for her to react, I could never had foreseen her being so upset that I had hidden this from her that she decided to leave.
She walked away.
Today I’m facing the challenge of having to deal with many consequences of many of my actions from long ago as well as in the last day. The hard thing about life is that it never stops. There are always opportunities to make a choice and we don’t always know what’s going to happen. Sometimes knowing doesn’t change anything anyway.
But God has a plan that is so much greater than ours and the way He has used this sad event in my life has been amazing.
I’m still hurt. But I’m still healing.
He will always love me more.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.
I’m not sure if other parents think about this, but I do; quite often.
Maybe it’s because I have many gay people in my family and circle of friends. It’s in my genes and in my tribe.
Maybe it’s because, as a pastor of students, I’ve seen and heard the horror stories of gay Christian kids, from both inside and outside of the closet, trying to be part of the Church.
Maybe it’s because, as a Christian, I interact with so many people who find homosexuality to be the most repulsive thing imaginable, and who make that abundantly clear at every conceivable opportunity.
For whatever reason, it’s something that I ponder frequently. As a pastor and a parent, I wanted to make some promises to you, and to my two kids right now…
1) If I have gay children, you’ll all know it.
My children won’t…
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