I dont know how to love her when shes hurting.
Id cry all the time because i wanted to tak with my mom so badly about things but ever time i did i walked away more hurt than before.
When i see her upset i think about how she responded to me. I remember how she never took me seriously and would laugh at me. Literally laugh in my face. She would refer to what i said as something stupid or immature, something a spoiled brat would say or someone not using their brain.
I see her upset and i dont know what to say to her.
Does she want me to tell her her pain is wrong like she would tell me? Does she want me to explain why she shouldnt feel that way or how shes over reacting and on and on? Because i cant do that. I cant look at someone thats hurting and say those aweful things she says to me.
But when shes hurting i have no words. My mouth goes dry and my body heavy, unable to move. My mind goes blank as i stare at this woman who brought me into the world, tears streaming down her face as she tells me she never feels loved by me because when shes hurting im gone. Im gone lost in my own mind, trying to find ground to stand but theres nothing there. Just empty space. Darkness echoing.
She closes the door and walks away leaving me sitting there. My sisters voice softly touches my ears but i hear no words. I nod. She leaves.
Countless times iv walked to my mothers door and sat there. Wanting to say something, wanting to comfort her but i cant move. I cant speak.
As tears start falling, my mind suddenly starts spiraling as i replay the day in my mind. How did we get here? Why am i sitting here and why is my mouth stuck shut.
How have i gone so far, to detach in such a way that i see this woman, tears streaming down her face and i say nothing.
I return to my room and stare at the wall. Sometimes thats all i know how to do. I breathe slowly. The darkness, the empty space echoing still present within me.
She knocks on my door. She always comes to me after. She comes and sits close to me and starts talking. Slowly the darkness fades and words start trickling in as we talk about something somewhat related to whatever happened that day.
She feels better and leaves. My body feels heavy again.
I dont know how to love her when shes hurting. Just like she doesnt know how to love me. We try to communicate how we need to be shown love but the words always seem to get lost in some other dark, empty spaces.