Sometimes i just dont know what to do with myself.
No work no school.
Even when i have those things theres pockets of space.
Sometimes that space kills me. Not because i have the energy to be busy but because i dont have the energy to be still and sit in my thoughts. Not because i want to be around people but because maybe its dangerous to be alone.
I think back to so many times iv felt that way.. sitting in my car imagining something coming and killing me and everything going black.. entering an eternal place of peace and rest.
Never again having to sit and think about the pain people I love are experiencig.
Never again having to feel it pierce the deepest parts of my chest, making it hard for me to breathe or think or walk or know how to live.
I understand now, why Jesus sweat blood. Because He saw and knew infinitely more than i do and even with the little i know, i have trouble breathing.