you know that feeling you have when you have to write a paper for school and you just really do not want to like its almost to the point that even if you wanted to you couldnt because you have convinced yourself that you cant because really you just dont want to who wants to go through all the trouble to look up and research and write and all the pressure to sound intelligent and spell things right and who really cares right cuz in a few days youre not even going to remember that paper and in a few years no one is going to care
that is how i feel about the story i have to write
the story that is my life really
i dont want to go through all the trouble of trying to figure out how to write it
i dont want to have to choose between living a life without ever being with someone or choosing to live a life with another woman or choosing to go through the process of “changing my orientation” like what the heck does that look like anyway what psychologist out there do i have to find to do that or a pastor
its not like theres a manual for this kind of thing
side a side b side x
i dont want to – but i have to – UGH
relationships are kind of a big deal in life cuz well thats what we do right we meet people we have friends and boyfriends and girlfriends and husband and wives and thats just the way life goes
so i know its sin right – to be with another woman – so ok thats cool and all but um then what
thats scary shit right there
is that the next step though like what else do you do
i dont really want to “be alone” for the rest of my life but am i really alone or is that just what the world has made singleness out to be
single = alone
if youre single you are NOT alone
so after all of that still have paths to choose cuz theres single and theres changing and both are hard and scary but thats whats left right and its like everyone and their cousin says you have to choose a side
side a side b side x
but maybe i dont have to choose – ?
– maybe i can just go on living and see what happens – just let God do His thing –
do i have to make a choice now – well will i have to eventually – so many new questions
i think ill just take a nap instead
Lord, help me.
cuz im lost. im not sad or depressed and i dont feel alone. im filled with your joy and overwhelmed with your blessings. i finally feel solid ground under my feet. but i cant see very far. and that scares me.
Lord, please help me.